He wants to get back with the LW (again, apparently). Unless Im sure the guy will make it worth my while, Im not going to do it. Regardless of the law which I think is enforced far more often than not it seems wrong to me to argue that men have no control over whether a child is born but are legally bound to pay child support, whereas women can end the pregnancy or put the child up for adoption. Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? A pregnancy, especially an unplanned one with no real relationship behind it is not a reason to stay together. If he is 40 years old and still acting like a child chances are youre going to be stuck holding the bag. Men should be held at least halfway responsible for the resulting pregnancy and child but should have no authority to decide upon his involvement. Pardon me, butare you fucking KIDDING me?! If you dont do these things and you end up donating the genetic material for a person that gets born and is running around and youre its dad, you pony up some child support because it took two people to make that kid. Fortunately, its a well known fact that theres no 100% guarantee with birth control. And realize that when you have sex, you could very well get someone pregnant. lets_be_honest Regardless of whether or not he wants to stay with this women he impregnanted, do NOT stay with him yourself! We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Paternity Court 2023 Full Episodes #March 1st | **Miracle Baby Or The primary relationship in someones life is allowed to (and should) remain the primary relationship, even after the later appearance of children. Thats reality. My ex and I broke up for the first time a year ago. I take it, then, that your position is that a man should never ever have sex unless hes either (a) sterile, or (b) willing to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, but that a woman has those choices but also can opt for an abortion and so can opt out of the obligation of a child. My hand has never been comfortable in cooler weather ever since.. At a minimum LW needs to take a wait and see attitude. bittergaymark Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! But I guess I looked at it a lot like a woman adopting a baby alone would. sorry, brain). Mother hits hard times and ends up going on either Medicaid or Temporary Assistance/Welfare. He can have an opinion about her but its absurd to be mad at her because they created a baby. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. It is actually quite easy. For me, the joy of the act is not actually giving it, but the enjoyment your partner gets. I am pro-choice, for both woman and for men. Bow out gracefully and give him the space he doesnt know he needs to get his life together. Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards? Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. Also, there are so many single parents who have adopted. datechguy Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. And he put you in danger of contracting an STD because he failed to use a condom. April 9, 2012, 1:10 pm. On the other hand, the intelligent men are just avoiding commitment and having fun at YOUR expense. savannah April 9, 2012, 10:01 am. 5 SIGNS YOUR EX IS IN ONE & WHY THEY FAIL - Natasha Adamo Well put. Wrapping it up doesnt prevent pregnancy. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? That is not a legally binding document and is unenforceable. Its not yours to deal with. And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom. But thats a crime?. LW, why in the hell would you want to get with this guy right now? IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) Which is not true. He doesnt want anything to do with his child? Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? And at 40 years of age, he should know how babies are made and if he didnt want kids, maybe he should have considered getting snipped? Im pretty sure we can all agree on that? Doesnt have to be romantically involved with this woman, but he wants nothing to do with the child that he helped to create, or the woman he cant stand. Rachel, I have a child in the same situation. The scapegoats arent really the point- women, minorities, the government, poor people, rich people- it doesnt really matter. But really, no one knows his true reaction. Documents were drawn up by said lawyers. Commenters on most websites just depress me I dont bother reading them anymore. Also, he seems willing to abide by the laws. April 9, 2012, 5:57 pm. And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? And my opinion doesnt change whether youre prepared to have a kid. The LW clearly believes that this is the case, and an objective reading of the circumstances she describes suggests that its a legitimate consideration. Oops, it took so long that I thought my post was lost in space. Flexxie Ive stayed away from this question because I honestly dont think I have a very well informed opinion on the matter. The fact that only the woman has the abortion option is biology, not anyones opinion. Why he would be furious with anyone other than himself is beyond me. As much as men have some inherent advantages, women do as well, and one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met. They way the *LW* is painting the picture here of how she and her bf are treating the unborn child is unfair to the child and is why people are reacting the way they are. The timing was exactly right. Which keeps me pretty busy, and Im married to my daughters mother. Waitplease have an abortion and i prefer you have an abortion aredifferent? But let me make a few suggestions Steve. You can have a spirited and logical debate, and still keep it interesting and above board. So while you were on a break he had unprotected sex with just her or other people too? I think this guy is a jerk not because he had sex with someone else when he was single, but because he is taking no responsibility for a life he created. Its only when a baby is involved is when men come to their senses and then have so much things to say like I didnt mean to hurt you, I barely knew her, or the famous line I was drunk. Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. But that doesnt change the fact that these people are eating each other alive. Dear Bossip: We Broke Up And He Got Another Woman Pregnant The guy started dating someone else. While it would be ridiculous to only have sex if you intended to conceive a child, it should still be in the back of everyones mind that it *can* happen, and if so, the woman, whos burdened with the pregnancy, gets to make the final call. When he got back together with her, he should have had himself tested for STDs, which hopefully he did. April 10, 2012, 11:43 am. Apparently, the belief is that no one should ever have sex unless they intend to have a child with the person and are sure that it is a good idea. April 9, 2012, 5:24 pm, The mention of being logical for some reason made me think of the whole idea of true abandonment. At least with adopted children, they usually have one or two great parents who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption. Its not a secret that it works that way in our society. His ex had gone through a lot of internal as well as external strugglesand became stronger and wiser. How very astute of you to notice the fundamental difference between the genders. I Got Another Girl Pregnant Prank *WE BROKE UP SIGH* April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. You really have no idea what child support means. Ask Dr. Sherry: 'My Fianc Got Another Woman Pregnant, Now - Essence She doesnt tell the waiter that she has a peanut allergy, because she assumes that simply ordering a dish without peanuts in it will protect her. Oops this was meant as a reply to Steve up there! reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): A It makes sense that she would do everything she could to convince us that this other woman wanting to keep the child is the worse thing ever because theyre obviously meant to be and this childs existence is a testament to the fact that their (former and/or current) relationship wasnt/isnt perfect. And those young boys and those young boys parents have wages garnished for the next 18 years to pay for the rapists child. I dont know how Im going to feel about this baby malarky. Nothing in the story suggests that the guy in question was, as you put it, indiscriminate in partner choice and/or birth control. I dont think hes a bad guy for having sex with this other woman, and it was his decision to not use a condom. Now I'm happily married and live in Orlando. I just personally get outraged that this is the case: that he would have to pay support regardless, but that she can opt out of it. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? At the time, he said he would wait years for me - until he could be with me. The fact the option to abort or not is a womans right is no secret. And while not using a condom might not be the end all be all of crazy mistakes, he should have known better. He's got to focus on his ex and tell himself she wants to be with him and not the other man in the long run. If you cant live with those outcomes, dont have sex with her. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. You dont want his problems. You need to be consistent in your line of reasoning.. Gain some maturity and realize that you have no part in this decision, shes decided to keep the baby, shes the one who will be carrying the baby, raising the baby, etc Grow up LW and dump him. But, now hes faced with the unwanted consequences of that choice, and while its unfortunate, its how life works. When we got back together we had a lot of trust issues and found it hard to forgive one another. Ill never understand the chicks who want to blame/curse/fight the other woman like the dude has no part in the whole mess. This guy isnt worth anyones time. Yes, it would be nice if he were eager to become a parent. bittergaymark he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey evanscr05 I totally agree with you for reasons you likely already understand. Lots of it. There is no rhyme or reason. I think the LW and her ex would do better to break up for good. Let this be a learning lesson for everyone male and female. Coke bottle explodes taking off your arm = coke pays. That is pretty much it. Meaning, a woman SHOULD ask the guy who knocked her up what he would like. If theres anyone whos unfairly been put in this mess, its not you its the baby. April 11, 2012, 8:04 am. Youve given me a lot to think about in terms of my views on raising children that come out of short term flings and im appreciative for the insight. I feel stupid once again and a part of me feels that he may come back to me again and I really dont want to be involved, but Im so weak and dont know how to let go. Thanks for listening to me. No one should be shocked or angry when they become a parent after doing the exact thing that causes pregnancy. So, in other words, RR, it is a noble thing to give your child to strangers in the hope that he or she is treated well (that the adoptive parents wont abuse them, wont get divorced in a messy way, wont let them fend for themselves, and so on), even though youll have no interaction with that child again, but it is base and vile to have the same lack of interaction but to provide financial support which doesnt in any way affect the mothers ability to find a partner that is right for her. If she did not use protection with him, or ask him to get tested when they got back together, that is no fault of his, imo. 5 Ways To Deal When Your Ex Is Dating Someone New - Bustle However, I do find your mindset to be telling: And yet you still have sex with us The implication being that if a man has sex with a woman, they should be prepared to pay dearly for it for the rest of their lives. Take this as a lesson learned. The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. First things first, get yourself to a doctor or Planned Parenthood or somewhere like that and get tested for STDS! In the case where a woman goes to prison because she raped a kid, you can bet theyre going to hit her up for child support too. 1970 Mustang Mach I "Synergy Green Pearl"351 Cleveland - Fuel Injection "The Rattle Shaker" Complete nut and bolt rotisserie restoration LESS than 500 miles by C.A.R.S. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. honeybeenicki Not your body, not your choice. Bless your heart. lets_be_honest Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. Three babies? It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. April 9, 2012, 11:41 am. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. original. By this point I had already invested so much in the relationship that I wanted it to work regardless, but no matter how much I tried he didnt want to immediately get back together. He must be a complete scumbag, because no one ever has sex without a condom unless they intend to have children or are scumbags. Share your opinions and thoughts below! Babies are malarky. Mmmhmm, I thought so. April 9, 2012, 12:29 pm. April 10, 2012, 9:34 am. As far as your relationship with him. she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. Hes decided on what hes going to do, and it does not involve you. But woman, grow the hell up. As others have said, she could have been on the pill and he could have used a condom and she still could have gotten pregnant. Everyone is in charge of their own decisions. What if she believes than an abortion is murder? I disagreed with a lot of your comments but I still enjoyed them. Wow, thank you so much Lili. Now, I suppose, you could argue that my gay friends are more careful because death is probably a bigger inconvenience that a child you dont want and most likely wont really give a flying fuck about anyway But no, seriously Apparently many straight people are just too dumb to use a condom correctly. While it is true he has no obligation to someone hes broken up with, he does have an obligation to not go around making babies with women he doesnt even know. It doesnt have to toss a ball with you to help with your rehab or take pictures of you with your new arm. Its not a gender-based law. Translation: men should think before they poke but women can do whatever they damn well please. Who are we talking about now? When an Abortion Destroys a Relationship - The Atlantic -Tried to pressure her into getting an abortion What sounded nice in theory is not sounding so great to Jimmy in reality. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. Focus on that though, and you are going to have a miserable life. It is due to his own stupidity if he thought that a single sexual encounter could not produce a child, that birth control pills would definitely prevent him from impregnating someone or that he could legally opt out if a pregnancy occurred. Shortly afterward we learned that he got the other woman pregnant. Only it is the LW who seems intent on absolving the boyfriend from all responsibility saying furious. Do you want to talk about how a baby is made? Hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated.. oy. Really, people. So, therefore, Im not so sure what you are finding so hard to get over about him, and why do you let him keep coming back into your life? April 9, 2012, 2:45 pm. Sue Jones April 10, 2012, 5:30 pm. Dont engage in the action. Her body, her choice, he had NOTHING to do with it. Steve Kellmeyer Abortion does away with a potential baby- a life that will grow into a child if it continues to grow over the next several months-, and the other is walking out on an actual human being. any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion- Yes, that is terrible of the man in question. And to the LW your boyfriend is not the victim in all of this. For anyone. It pays and so do the provider of the sperm. Thats not the point here. April 9, 2012, 12:49 pm. I was just 6 months into a relationship when I got pregnant. Add your answer to this question! it happens. The sex was good. Would you tell the parents that you would gladly pay for the funeral, but you want nothing else to do with what happened, and that you are going to go live your life like nothing did? April 10, 2012, 9:47 am. But I have no tolerance for the ones who cry foul after the fact when it hasnt gone their way. After that, its not your choice anymore. Oh boy. SweetsAndBeats I just feel that they are, at times, the least bad solution. Ummm hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated. April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. BUT. Ex-girlfriend Is Pregnant With Her New Boyfriend's Baby So the law says, hey, you two created this child, you two are responsible for supporting it. Drugs was just one theory to how she got that way. He didnt give you another child. Do you know how much day care alone is a month? Are you kidding? Thats what responsible men who want to have sex with women and dont want children do. Thanks for noticing, though. I have a feeling you are going to stay with this guy no matter what (since you would just diiiie without him). No. We have the means to resolve pregnancy issues. More like: her: what do you want to do about it? . I think the LW comes across as bitter and resentful and would rather blame the other woman, making her out to be the villain, than to admit that she and her ex really might not belong together. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. I weep for the younger folks out there. We . Theres a fun scenario. Um hello, hes 40 years old, he knows how babies are made. Loved this guy, things were not working out, cos he was fucking around with other girls. Because he had sex? April 10, 2012, 7:10 pm. Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop(Atria Books June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books November 2010; $15). Do something to not have one! If the woman chooses to take on the responsibility of raising the child alone, she ought not have the right to force the indentured servitude (financial or otherwise) of the father against his stated wishes. Wow, youre a real piece of work, arent you. And water. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. female Thats certainly the type of person you want as your husband. So tough shit. Originally i had used much more crass language and forgot to delete the apology ooops! Anytime you have sex, theres a chance you could get pregnant, no matter how careful you are. Oh I agree that its a bad idea, but still a choice to be made individually. Quit trying to dig into other peoples wallets to subsidize your lifestyle choices. What do you think happens to the fetus? bittergaymark I dont think a woman should ever have to have an abortion, but if the father decides early on that he doesnt want the child, I think he should have the same rights to get out of it as the woman does. April 9, 2012, 1:35 pm. Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. When they were last together, he cheated on her many times and got another girl pregnant. No matter how many precautions you take, if a pregnancy occurs you have to accept that its because of what you did and accept full responsibility for your actions. Until thats legally extended as you propose any man who doesnt exercise that option has no one to blame but himself when he becomes a parent. lets_be_honest But the important thing for you to know, as the mother of a child who may not ever know their biological father, is that your child wont miss what they never had. April 10, 2012, 7:02 pm. There is a certain degree of sadness in all of this, yes, but Ive turned out far better than my friends whose fathers have been unable to make up their minds one way or another about parenthood. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. He didnt expect that to happen. Personally, it doesnt sound like shes trying to trap your untrappable boyfriend into a relationship YOU are trying to trap him, or get rid of him, by telling him he should stay with her because its his kid (and then you go around calling her (the mother of your BFs child) scoat and such very classy)! I vehemently disagree when it is not in that order. He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. The vast majority of parents who have at least a rough acknowledgement of their paternity/maternity have joint custody even if the guys a deadbeat. April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. Again, youre defending this guys right to have sex and that is absurd to me. My inclination would be to run away from this guy as fast as you can. He made his feelings clear to her when she was only two weeks pregnant, telling her they havent been together two minutes! Im not saying it doesnt happen, but I find it hard to believe that people who dont take care dont get pregnant and every unwanted pregnancy is always the product of birth control failure. April 9, 2012, 10:03 pm, God, are you REALLY this dense? I think hes scum because hes furious with the girl he impregnated. Not sure what it is now, but when I studied it in college the chance was about 1 in 10 (if you had unprotected sex with a known infected person). If she does your boyfriend will deal with the aftermath of having sex without a condom. They should act responsibly. Im not sure why you think this woman is trying to trap your boyfriend unless there are other details you didnt provide. I think that it does, as most have pointed out, take two people to get pregnant. Here he chose not to wrap it up now he made a child. April 10, 2012, 12:45 pm. And before we launch into a discussion of how terrible abortion is, in this case (the LW) were talking about one that is very early on. My sister has 3 birth control babies. But there is no ensuring that the child is cared for in an adoption. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Do you have any other questions? Maybe she doesnt to be with your boyfriend, perhaps she just wants him to be there for the baby as a father. Steve Kellmeyer You dont really get a say in this matter. April 9, 2012, 10:00 pm, No, I actually think that of us effectively use condoms Most of the dumb idiots I know that knocked girls up all thought they were safe because they were told all was well, Im on the pill PS. So the system is very one sided. Nothing about that makes him the definition of immature or of an asshole. I have never heard anybody going through an unwanted pregnancy say they didnt take care. If he didnt want to wear condomwhateverIll even give him the benefit there. Seriously? I think that is a pretty bad guess with how this guys attitude is towards things, and how badley he wants nothing to do with the child. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. Its not a comparable situation at all. If he cant afford the child support, get away from him as he will be an emotional and financial drain. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. A condom would have prevented this whole thing AND protected you from STDs. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. And now I couldnt imagine life without my husband, but Im pretty sure Id live through it (and have) if he werent around. I mean sure I can relate to the horrible emotions one gets about thinking that their guys (even if hes an ex at this point!) Leaving the issues of the suggested abortion and unprotected sex aside (which have also been beaten over the head on this thread), that was what really struck me as I was looking through these comments. One common definition: a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response.